Every teenager has the same illusion that nobody in the world knows what’s it’s like to be them. That’s exactly how I feel now.
I don’t know, I still think I’m playing friendships like some sort of strategy game. I should be nicer to this guy or that guy to max out some obscure optimality function. But I don’t know how to approach as a human. I don’t want to end up an old sulky miser straight out of a bad TV soap.
I used to imagine there would be some sort of almost psychic link between true friends, where all it takes is one look for the two people to know… something’s wrong, how to comfort each other, what to say… and that I would be that kind of friend for somebody, but even if such things exist, it would have to take work to get to that stage. See, work again. It’s like I’m trying to upgrade my friendships by managing time. Strategy games. Seriously…?
But I don’t know how to open up either. I’ve always been a listener. I spend a disproportionate amount of time lurking on forums. It’s me. I wouldn’t know how to express that I’d be there to listen to others. And I don’t know how to dump my worries anywhere because I don’t even understand them myself.
I’m trying to patch a hole in my life, except every time I come up with a suitable plan for covering, a bigger hole pops up beneath it.
Conclusion: I suck at being a human?