Instants

You have to be there to feel it. I’m not there anymore. Five minutes, five seconds of some other feeling… determination to survive, to be happy. This is my life, after all.

And yet, always that lurking feeling… what if I’m going to spend the rest of my life like this? Never again to see a reason I’m stumbling through these hours and days for something better on the other side? Tomorrow will probably be better, but I can’t bring myself to find any security in a promise like that anymore.

I don’t know why I’m even bothering now, but obviously there’s something still driving me to write this post, instead of doing my homework. Something that makes me look at Mom’s snacks in temptation. Those tiny, everyday urges, they’re still there, but they’re not enough to provide the moral sustenance.

And it’s sad, to look at other people’s faces, stare into their eyes, and not be able to find the words to communicate, as badly as I need it. I try to force myself to smile sometimes. Like every psych book on optimism says. I wish it felt normal, but with every heartbeat and every blink I can almost sense a word pulsing. fake, fake, fake…

Really, what if it keeps going? What do I do? My life is still here but I’m not. I don’t know where to look for happiness. All I can do is cross off entries in my planner. It sucks. How do I make myself believe that there’s anything left here for me?

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