My Religion

Well, I’m sure going through a lot of philosophical stages!

I feel a little more sure of myself and of this world. But it is still very confusing, I must say. Just let me focus on the existence of God, for one long post.

I’m not sure how long ago, I was still a reasonably devout Christian. Now, a little of me is still in that stage, but as for the rest, I guess I just don’t know. I’m essentially an agnostic. I can’t choose between, and don’t really have any rational basis for either of, theism and atheism. Or I have two about equally convincing bodies of evidence for both side.

For atheism? Well, for one thing, accepting the idea of a heaven eventually results in accepting souls of plants and mosquitos and who-knows-what floating out there with human souls. Plus the probable multitudes of alien life. It feels ridiculous. Atheism is simpler, and so far, to be honest, every bit of pro-theism argument on the Internet has left me thinking “What a bunch of idiotic cranks.” None of them understand evolution and natural selection (not that I do very well either, but still). None of them really consider the cold science against them, or provide arguments against it. Yeah, the Bible is true. Why? Well, just read the Bible, it’s, like, Matthew 360:360 or something. Why believe it? Didn’t I just tell you it was true? And plus, I’m not sure, but God really ought to show a miracle now and then, if only to one person at a time. Maybe I’m just not lucky enough. Maybe people can’t tell other people of those miracles. I know I wouldn’t if I saw one, at least not a lot of people.

For theism? Really, all the reasoning breaks down. As explained as clearly as that I’m not sure how it is possible I’m still a theist underneath the agnostic reasoning. But there’s something about the world, about me, that still places me here. I’d also like to say that, if God exists, then He works in ways that are not only mysterious, but downright counterintuitive, unthinkable, preposterous, laughable, whatever. The difference between us and Him is just crazy. He can help and communicate with us, maybe, and we can accept His help, but to understand him as a curious person must want to, is unthinkable. Maybe, once we die and go to the next plane of existence, we’ll think “Hey, that was obvious! Why didn’t we think this?”

A thought I had was that each of the 10000 religions out there each contain a little of the truth, or a lot of it, just strangely warped and interpreted. I don’t know. Maybe the God doesn’t really want worshipping or belief. There is another idea: maybe the God will punish those who believe in the “wrong” god but thinks atheists or agnostics are okay. The thing is, I think, there seems to be no effective way to pick the religion that’s “true”. It seems whichever religion you first see, or are first born with, you either stick with it or become variously atheistic or agnostic or a few other nondescriptive religions.

In a sense I’m almost sad I’m such a mathematically oriented guy, and must be stripped of my blissful ignorance of philosophy, nihilism, atheism, and whatever. But in another sense I’m really glad to have contemplated my life, and suspected God and death. I appreciate my life more. I guess. Or less, maybe; nihilism really packs a lot of punch if you think about it the right (or wrong) way. Argh.

Also, before I forget, I was strangely worried at the dance an hour or so ago that the world would just *snap* end. Argh.

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